And back to me again...😅

I've been told that I'm really good communicator and I've also been told it's really not one of my strengths.

For sure when I write to friends they say it feels like we're there together and I feel proud when I hear that. But when I try to write for a more unknown audience, or even a group I know, I feel rigid, brittle, the mask is on as I try to adhere to some mystery rules. I guess all writers need time to find their voice, so I may as well start here.

My fear is if I write what I really want to write, ie, all about me and how I experience life, my worst fears will be confirmed, that I'm a self-centred bore. And not as bright as I'm supposed to be.

But if ever I have any fluency speaking, it's because I'm speaking about my experience, the only subject I feel I have any authority on, and no-one can come and contradict me because I'm not up to date on something, or challenge me because my view is controversial.

The other reason I can only really talk with authority about myself is because I can't really grasp anything, especially abstract things, unless I put myself in the other's shoes and feel into how I'd react. It was a penny drop moment when I realised that this term, autism, which already comes with it's own baggage and stereotypes has as its root AUT, as in self. So maybe that's why - I mean I hope that's why, and it's not cos I'm some sneaky secret narcissist - that I find fascinating the answers to my lifelong quest-ions "How do they do that? Why can't I do that?"

So my goal with this blog is both to share my experience in case you too experience life this way, or parts of it, or in case you are neuro-curious. And also so I can refer clients here; I don't want to take up too much of clients' time with my stories. "If I can't see me, I can't be me" and "what's most personal is most universal" highlight the need for sharing, as normalizing the things and feelings that my neurokin go through is an important part of feeling seen, feeling a sense of belonging, and in a way giving yourself permission to be different from everything you've grown up seeing around you as the right way to be.

Because I don't know about you, but I generalised every criticicism I heard (of myself, of others) to create a very small, but safe, way to be. It's only by reading about others' lived experiences I can see how my survival strategies made perfect sense and, though they made me feel like I was trapped inside a paper bag - so flimsy yet I can't get out of it, I was not the only one who did these things. And that helps unravel the feeling of isolation, of being an alien.

So here goes. I may regret this adventure, I hope any people who end up reading this are kind. Wiener wonderland? Nope, not necessary!