Sharing Space as an AuDHer

I live in a very appealing city, Barcelona. Where there's so much to do and hotels and AirBnBs abound. And they are not cheap, especially in high season.

In the early years my Dad and Sister would stay with me. We'd put up friends on a "crazy bed", a bunch of surfaces held together with a fitted sheet. It was chaotic and fun, and there was usually some booze involved.

My parents, even when staying in a hotel would get marched around to all the wonderful new discoveries I'd made. I never realised how much I exhausted them. Then a point came when they said enough. We'd do a bit, then they'd go back to their hotel and regroup.

I didn't get it until decades later, as I just put it down to their age and need for comfort.

Now, younger then they were at "breaking point", but too old to be dossing on a friend's floor, I totally get it. Now seeing my life through the lens of neurodivergence, even before the wheels fell off after my first birth, I see how many times I went ahead with what seemed like a good idea, and paid the price.

This is the basic pattern (and let's say here I want to go, I'm with lovely people, I don't make any faux pas or percieve any threat. No other variables. I will have more to say on the less sunny conditions assumed here.)

1. Invitation to do something with people - I say yes cos it sounds fun

2. I'm having fun (with but now usually without the aid of alcohol)

3. something happens - nothing tangible

4. I notice I no longer add anything of value to the conversation

5. I start feeling rubbish about myself

6. This feeling lingers, I'm down on myself for days, along with a lack of ability to do anything mentally productive

It doesn't always go like that, sometimes the stars align and phase 2 is the happy ending. But there have been enough times for me to see the pattern and seeing people turns into a social russian roulette

.

It's only really really recently that I've realised what that something intangible - phase 3 - is!

My brain gets overwhelmed!!

Maybe it's because I'm underresourced to start with (a bad night, already running on fumes)

Maybe it's down to the external stimulation (think noisy restaurant),

Maybe it's because there's an added cognitive demand, like a 2nd or 3rd language.

Maybe, no, almost always, it's because I'm masking. Outside of a v specific handful of people I will be masking. Unconsciously - the fact it's so well practiced it comes "naturally" doesn't mean that it doesn't take any effort.

And while one of those maybes is enough of a demand, as they stack up my brain battery drains more and more quickly.

Which leaves me struggling for things to say (boring!) and unable to bring any intelligent or insightful comment to the table (stupid!) unless it's about me (selfish!) No wonder the maggot of self-loathing starts to burrow it's way in!

But how do you tell people that you need to withdraw before or as soon as that happens? How do you convey "it's not you, it's me"? when you can see that an even will be draining as there will be no way to withdraw for long enough to reasonably make a difference?

Dr Megan Anna Neff says that us Autistics who have low physical support needs actually have very high mental support needs. How to express that in a way people, kind caring people, can really grasp and provide accommodations, without turning it into a "oh, we all mask, don't wek? Oh, how can you be tired, you don't have a proper job? oh, welll, we're all a little bit autistic, aren't we?"

I don't have those answers yet, and I fear there is a steep learning curve ahead as I clumsily practice advocating for myself and my family.

But if I don't, then what?

We go ahead with the plan, force ourselves to be more social than is comfortable for us, either come across as depleted self and don't get asked again or somehow we don't let it show, no-one is any the wiser, and after the aftermath we have to go through it again, because "we had such fun together last time!"

I want people to know without having to have the awkward conversation, where there is room for being interrupted, dismissed or worse. So maybe instead of that, I'll just send them here, where I can't hear the eye rolls😈.

Dr Megan Anna Neff is my go to voice of wisdom on Neurodivergentinsights.com

Their latest book, The Autistic Burnout Workbook is proving invaluable for navegating these situations, and already made my last "post-social-burnout" much more maneagble.

If you recognise yourself in this pattern, drop me a line!

And if you have strategies for navegating this, please share!